I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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