there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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