i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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