I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
