Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
