Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
