If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
