i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS