Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
