you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
