The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
