I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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