when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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