apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
