why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
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he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
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The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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