i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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