We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
