I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize