You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
