i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
