I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
