Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
