Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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