I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
