Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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