I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
