Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
