I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
This is the high leading the old right now
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
