So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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