and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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