I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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