Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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