i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
