I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
