she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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