I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
