I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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