i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
