And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
