Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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