Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
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My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
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So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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