My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
