I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
