Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
