I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
