I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
