Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
