well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
