he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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