I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
