well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
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My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
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Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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