The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
