he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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