he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
