so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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