He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
