I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
