Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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