My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
